


i'm just sick of calling your bluff

by stylesofstraight_edge



Series: AU Where Criminal Minds Characters Care Enough To Talk To Each Other [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s05 e21 Exit Wounds, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Misunderstandings, Morgan says dumb shit without thinking, Mutual Pining, Pining, Protective Derek Morgan, Reid doesn't think he's worthy, Self-Esteem Issues, but he absolutely is, but he means well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 04:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19310812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylesofstraight_edge/pseuds/stylesofstraight_edge
Summary: "I'm not sleeping with Reid." It felt so pointlessly cruel. And Derek Morgan was a lot of things, but purposely hurtful wasn’t one of them. Not in Spencer’s experience, at least. Maybe he had judged the other profiler incorrectly for the past six years, four months, eight days.





	i'm just sick of calling your bluff

“I’m not sleeping with Reid.” 

It was a throwaway comment that Morgan tossed out in Alaska. Probably meant to be a joke, definitely meant to be brushed off and forgotten about. Only, Spencer Reid didn’t brush it off and forget about it. Because he couldn’t brush off or forget anything. 

Not for the first time, he cursed his eidetic memory. 

Without it, he probably wouldn’t be on the team. He knew it certainly wasn’t his agreeable personality that kept his job. It was statistics and reading 20,000 words per minute and being able to recall phone calls word-for-word. His brain was the only thing they really cared about. But at that moment, he would’ve given it all away if it meant not having to hear Morgan’s voice echoing in his head. Each time Reid replayed the incident in his mind, the words sounded more and more disgusted. As if his friend would rather sleep outside in the middle of an Alaskan winter than share the same room with him. 

It felt so pointlessly cruel. And Derek Morgan was a lot of things, but purposely hurtful wasn’t one of them. Not in Spencer’s experience, at least. Maybe he had judged the other profiler incorrectly for the past six years, four months, eight days. 

That really wasn’t enough time to be comfortable sleeping in the same room as him? The floor of Garcia’s room was really that much more appealing than a bed in Reid’s? Spencer would’ve been more than willing to let Morgan have the mattress. When he first got clean a few years back, soft things felt disorienting. Being separated from the ground felt like being separated from his life, too similar to being high for Reid to ever really be comfortable. On the nights where the cravings got too severe and his brain begged for something numb, when the cases flashed behind his eyes and _empathy_ meant so much more pain than he had signed up for, sleeping on the floor kept him from spiraling. Kept the nightmares at bay. He would have welcomed the opportunity. 

The way Morgan had singled him out was what really got under his skin. He could’ve just said, “I’m rooming with Garcia.” Reid would’ve understood. Those two had a natural bond, one that he wouldn’t admit he was jealous of. They were attached at the hip. And Garcia was on edge after being brought along to dig into the lives of the people in the small town they were investigating. It would’ve made sense for Derek to want to comfort her. But instead, Morgan chose Reid specifically as the one person he outright refused to bunk with. 

Reid knew Morgan was never going to care for him in _that_ way, but this was so far in the opposite direction that it gave the young genius whiplash. 

He had been perfectly fine wallowing in a mild but constant sort of misery. Knowing he could never have Morgan in the way he wanted, but still being able to have a 100% platonic friendship with him. Despite being clearly bisexual, Morgan was the sort of alpha male that would never admit to being attracted to another man. Not to mention all the trauma heaped upon him in his childhood. It would be hard to blame him for never wanting a man’s hands on him again. 

But now, instead of pining after him in peace, Reid was constantly needled by the knowledge that Morgan was repulsed by the concept of being in a vaguely intimate setting with him. Even though Morgan _must_ know Reid would never, ever try anything even remotely unprofessional with him. 

It hurt. Hurt in a way Spencer wasn’t used to and couldn’t alleviate with logical thinking. 

He could’ve gone the rest of his career satisfied with the occasional ‘pretty boy’ and friendly banter that he could pretend was flirting. But this, this he couldn’t abide in dutiful silence. He had to say something. 

Confrontation. One of Spencer’s least favorite things. It was the lesser of two evils, and he still liked it more than overanalyzing his four-year crush’s clear revulsion. 

The case had been wrapped up neatly after Rossi’s discovery that the “rabid bear” leaving dead things in its wake in the forest was actually the unsub. Reid still had calm words to talk Joshua down from killing the unsub on his lips as the shot rang out and Morgan started handcuffing people. Soon they were back on dry land, and he did his best to be subtle as he put a hand on Morgan’s shoulder. Gunpowder and aftershave clung to his friend like a second skin, and Reid fought to stay focused on the task at hand and not the intoxicating smell. “I need to talk to you.” Morgan stopped to look him in the eye. 

“Sure, kid. What about?” 

“Not here. My room. I still gotta pack anyway, and I don’t like being surrounded by police and expert profilers when I’m trying to have a conversation.” Because of Morgan’s insistence that sharing a room with Reid was out of the question, JJ had ended up with Prentiss, Hotch with Rossi, and Reid alone. He walked back with Morgan in brisk silence, ignoring any follow-up questions about why he was so insistent on privacy and jokes about how most organized unsubs prefer to kill in secluded areas where they don’t have a chance to be interrupted. He couldn’t let Morgan change the subject, and he wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to hold onto the nerve he was clinging to. 

It felt like hours before he was able to close the door behind them. All of his things were already packed, but he was sure Morgan had known that the moment he was given the excuse. Reid was a very good liar when it mattered, but since he got clean, he did his best not to deceive the team anymore. It wasn’t like lying to them ever worked in the first place. 

Then again, Morgan hadn’t noticed the way Reid had been craving his affection since the day they met, so maybe he wasn’t as perceptive as Spencer gave him credit for. 

Morgan was searching Reid’s expression for a tell, something all of the BAU members seemed to do without realizing. It made Spencer uncomfortable no matter who was doing it, felt like he was being stripped naked and dissected and left flayed open and vulnerable, but it was worst when Morgan’s deep brown eyes ran over him, detecting micro-expressions, analyzing body language. It felt like the older man could read his mind, see every unprofessional thought Reid had about him, sense the desperate longing that infected the folds of his brain. Spencer readied himself to force words out, if for no other reason than to avoid that stare capturing his attention for any longer. But Morgan beat him to it. 

“What’s this all about, Reid?” 

“What you… what you said before.” 

“I’m gonna need you to be a bit more specific than that.” Reid sighed and saluted his best friendship goodbye. 

“You said ‘I’m not sleeping with Reid.’ Why?” Morgan’s strong eyebrows came together and Reid forced himself to stay angry. That man tended to make him… weak, and unable to hold onto negative emotions. 

“Um, that was nothing personal, kid.” 

“Really? Why’d you say it, then?” The older man ran a hand across the back of his head, clearly searching for words. 

_Searching for an excuse. Searching for a way to let me down easy. Searching for the courage to tell me to back off without shattering my fragile glass feelings._

“I thought you’d want to sleep alone. If I didn’t room with you, the girls would room together and the obnoxious alpha males would room together and you’d be able to have some peace and quiet.” 

“Why would you assume that that’s what I need?” Morgan cracked half a smile, and Reid clenched his teeth. He knew Morgan would try to charm his way out of this one, but he didn’t think it would come this early. He never took Spencer seriously. Always assumed he was just a tightly wound ball of useless facts and memories who needed to ‘loosen up’. Morgan always, _always_ thought he knew what was best for Reid. But the older man never even considered that all Reid really needed was him.

“Kid, you’re not exactly hard to profile.” 

“And we have a deal not to profile each other.” 

“You know as well as I do that sometimes it can’t be helped. Also, you all profiled me like a damn unsub back in Chicago, so I think I’m entitled to a few observations.” 

“We only did that because we had to!” Reid jumped to the defensive. He hated doing that to Morgan. The hollow, shattered look on his friend’s face on the flight back home would haunt him for the rest of his life. No case made him feel dirtier than that one, pulling up things clearly meant to stay in the past, exposing parts of Morgan that he should’ve been allowed to take to his grave if he so desired. None of them had enjoyed picking apart their teammate like that. But they had to prove Morgan’s innocence, and it was the only way. “That’s not fair. You know we all hated that.” 

“Yeah, me too.” Reid bit his lip and tried to move back to the topic at hand. They could talk about Chicago until they were blue in the face, and it wouldn’t change anything. Everyone knew, none of it could be undone, and it very clearly made Morgan uncomfortable. “Why did you think you needed to protect me from sharing a room with somebody?” 

“Kid, you really wanna have this conversation?” 

“Have you ever known me to bring up something uncomfortable if I didn’t want to talk about it?” 

“Okay, fine. You experienced a pretty significant trauma. We continued to work together for years after it, and from the behavior I’ve observed since then, I’m confident you often have nightmares or possibly even night terrors. I’m fairly certain you haven’t had to share a room with anyone since that happened. I didn’t know how you would react to the possibility of someone else, even me, witnessing the lingering effects of that trauma. None of us would think any less of you if you showed us that vulnerable side, but if you aren’t comfortable doing it, I didn’t want you to feel like you had to. And I didn’t want you to have to worry about that when we needed that big ol’ brain of yours to crack this case open.” 

“So your intentions were benevolent?” 

“What, did you think I was trying to hurt your feelings, pretty boy?” _Pretty boy._ It was worse than rejection, the way that Morgan left him scraps of affection just often enough to keep a bit of hope stirring in his chest. Reid did his best to ignore the way his heart fluttered against rapidly constricting lungs. 

“Maybe not trying. Certainly succeeding.” The smile fell from Morgan’s face. 

“Wh—Really?” 

“Yes. Really.” 

“Kid, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t think rooming with me was something you’d be that psyched about anyway.” 

“I used to think you were so damn smart, Morgan. Smart in a way I hadn’t seen before, in a way that went beyond classes and theories and doctorates and into the real world where things can’t be black and white. I used to think nothing could ever possibly get past you, and it’s very rare for me to be this wrong about something.” 

“Excuse me? Where is this coming from, Reid?” The younger man took a few steps away from Morgan and resisted the urge to pace. An ugly, painful smile cracked his face. All jagged edges and agony, the expression was almost frightening. 

“It’s just that you’re so impossibly, unbelievably blind that if it didn’t hurt so much, it might actually be laughable.” Morgan’s frown deepened. It was so strange to Spencer that someone could look so confused and hurt and still be beautiful. It seemed cosmically unfair to put something so perfect just within his reach and pull it farther and farther away every time he got close. 

“I’m assuming you’re going to arrive at the point soon?” Reid took a deep breath and dropped his gaze to the floor. He didn’t want to see the way realization would paint pain across his friend’s face when the words came out. 

“Morgan, I like you. I very obviously like you. I have liked you for years and years and I accepted a long time ago that you were never going to like me back, but having rejection shoved in my face like that was a little bit too much for me.” Morgan’s hand reached out for his and Spencer pulled back sharply. He was sure the contact would burn him. He couldn’t handle Morgan touching him like something precious when he had spent the past four years slowly flaying his heart open layer by layer. 

“Kid, I didn’t know.” 

“Yeah? If you had paid any attention to the way I’ve looked at you for the majority of the time we’ve known each other, you would’ve. You just didn’t care enough to see it.” 

“You know I care about you, Spencer.” Reid set his jaw in a hard line and brought his eyes back to level with Morgan’s. 

“Just not in that way. I know. I don’t need to hear it.” He swallowed down a sob. “I don’t wanna hear it.” The brown of Morgan’s eyes somehow softened even more and Reid couldn’t handle the sudden tenderness. It was too gentle, it didn’t even feel real. He wanted this to be a shouting match. He wanted to be angry. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it when his friend just looked anguished. 

“Spencer.” 

“Derek.” He echoed. 

“Who says I don’t care about you in that way?” 

“Don’t do that.” 

“What?” 

“Don’t do that thing where you feel so bad that you convince yourself you can be whatever I want you to be. I don’t need your pity and I don’t need you to lie to me. This was obviously never going to work, you and I. I know that. I came to terms with it a long time ago. Don’t humor me. Don’t try to give me some pathetic scrap of hope to hold onto. It doesn’t help either of us.” Morgan closed the space between them and laid a heavy hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. Reid tried not to shift under the attention. 

“Look at me. This isn’t just about you. And I’m not a liar. I never considered that you might have feelings for me because I was too busy trying to hide my own.” Spencer swallowed hard. 

“Just stop. I don’t need you to do this.” 

“You want to know the real reason I didn’t want to share a room with you?” 

“Yeah.” Reid deadpanned. “I thought I made it pretty clear that was the purpose of this conversation.” 

“I didn’t want to give myself away. I didn’t want you to notice the way I sometimes stare for a bit too long, the way I make excuses to be closer to you. I didn’t want to show you how eager I would’ve been to have some time alone with you, so I didn’t even give myself the chance. You’ve been through enough, kid, and I value our friendship. I didn’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable or jeopardize the relationship we do have.” A little smile crept onto Morgan’s face then. “But if you want me, and I know I want you, none of this hiding and lying shit needs to happen anymore.” Reid knew he should be happy. He should be thrilled. Derek Morgan was an Adonis sent from the heavens and was so far out of his league that he was nearly invisible. But dread was tying his stomach in knots and he couldn’t banish the self-hatred that pushed to the surface. 

“Why?” The frown crinkled Morgan’s features again. 

“Why what?” 

“Why me? You could literally have anyone you wanted, and you choose _me?_ Why?” 

“I mean, kid, you’re pretty incredible.” Reid had no idea why Morgan thought that answered any part of his question. 

“I’m smart, Morgan. That’s all I really have going for me. I’d be shocked if that was enough to even get you to look in my general direction.” 

“You really think your brain is all you’re worth, don’t you? You really think we only care about your usefulness for solving cases? You really think that’s all _I_ care about?” 

“What else would there be? I’m kind of a pain in most other situations. I’m too emotional and I lash out at people who don’t deserve it and half the time I’m too nervous to even form a complete sentence without stuttering. It’s been years since I was kidnapped and I’m still scared of my fucking shadow. What a catch, right?” Morgan’s other hand reached up to push the hair out of Reid’s face. 

“God, you still don’t even see it, do you? You’re a good person, pretty boy. Through and through, you are a genuinely valuable human being. Not just for your brain. Not just for your memory or your intellect or your reading speed. For your heart.” Morgan’s hand moved to rest on Reid’s chest. “You help people. You make them feel safe. Everyone from unsubs to victims to cops to people in the BAU, you make those around you feel valuable and wanted and worth something. You pour your heart and soul into everything you do. You’re passionate and kind and selfless and we are all better off because we know you. You change everyone you come into contact with, Reid. You leave everyone better off than you found them. I don’t see how anyone could possibly _not_ fall for someone like that.” Reid could feel his cheeks get hot. No one had ever taken the time to tell him he was more than just his usefulness, and he honestly didn’t know how to take it. Didn’t know how to believe it. 

“You don’t want someone like me, Morgan. You could have anyone.” 

“This is what I want. _Who_ I want. You don’t get to tell me what I want, alright?” Reid tried to swallow the fact that anyone could want him, let alone someone like Morgan. It didn’t sit right in his bones, didn’t stay still under his skin. It was too warm in the way it pulsed through his veins. None of it felt natural, but somehow it still felt real. Like coming home. 

“Are you certain?” Suddenly Reid’s body was right up against Morgan’s and the older man’s lips were colliding with his. Spencer melted into it, let himself find solace in strong arms and an easy heartbeat. 

Nothing had ever felt more certain. 


End file.
